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How can you help the child or the young in sorrow

There can be a big difference in how children and young people react when one of their parents dies. This is because grief is very individual and that their understanding of death depends on how old they are. Nyt & Sundt focuses on grief among children and adolescents up to 19 years and looks at how to relieve the child as best as possible.

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Care is different from human to human. This also applies to children and adolescents. Nevertheless, there are certain common features within certain age groups that show something about how children and young people at this stage of their development relate to losing a parent. Nyt & Sundt has talked to Psychotherapist Preben Engelbrekt, Director of the Child and Youth Care Advisory and Research Center, about what thoughts, feelings and reactions are common in children. We have based on the breakdown of age groups in infants and nursery children up to 2 years, kindergarten and schoolchildren aged 3-10 years and larger children / adolescents aged 11-19 years.

0-2 years: Infants and cr?che children

Infants in this age group do not yet have the prerequisites for understanding the concept of death. Therefore, they react more than older children to the separation itself from the parent who is dead. They do not understand that mom or dad never comes back again, but becomes insecure and reacts by showing anxiety and crying a lot. Infants react not only to being separate from the dead parent, but also to the fact that everyday life has changed and that the surviving parent is in mourning. According to Preben Engelbrekt, it is important that the survivors and other relatives understand to give the child as much peace of mind as possible, for example, by ensuring that everyday routines have regular routines.

It can also create peace of mind to let the infant sleep with the surviving parent in his bed if the child so wishes. The institution can best support by ensuring stability and routines that are well known to the child.

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3-10 years: Kindergarten and schoolchildren

Children between 3 and 6 years miss the deceased as if the absence was due to a trip, and can not understand that the deceased does not return. Only when the child is about 6 years begins to have a slightly clearer sense of the significance of death. The openness and lack of defense of the youngest children often cause them to talk freely about the dead parent in the post-loss period. The feeling of abandonment fills the most. The child makes thoughts about death as a person who has taken the deceased. It can take a lot of time to think about being dead and discovering that when mom can die, father can die too. This makes the child afraid of separation and increases the need for predictability. It also means that it may be anxious to be handed over in the morning in the institution or school.

"Daily routines are important and the surviving parent can help the kindergarten by getting the same educator in the institution to receive the child every morning so that the child's daily life becomes predictable with the same caregivers and thus more safe," says Preben Engelbrekt.

The child may feel guilty, believing it has been abandoned because it has done something that the deceased did not care about or because, for example, have said "stupid father" or "I wish you were dead".

- The sense of guilt is normal of all ages, but the younger the child is, the harder it is to process that feeling on its own. It is very important that you talk to the child about it. If the child does not express the sense of guilt, you can answer the question by saying, "I have heard that some children are guilty and that it is quite common, so what about you - is it something are you thinking? "says Preben Engelbrekt.

It is common for children to hold back their feelings because they are afraid to make mothers or dads of it. A new survey, which is shown on Monday morning, shows that 40 percent of 800 responded children and adolescents aged 6-24 years do not show their parents how they are because they do not want to make the remaining parent sad.It can complicate grief, so Preben Engelbrekt's advice is to talk to the child about its feelings. If it's hard to put words on, make the child draw his feelings. He also emphasizes that, as a parent, he should not be afraid to show the child his own feelings as it can help the child understand that it is ok to express his feelings.

11-19 years: Schoolchildren and high school students

In the prepuberty and puberty, the body undergoes a major development. It is very common for you to be afraid to feel strong emotions. If you get bored, you think it never stops. So it's normal to be afraid of being sad, and many in this age group spend a lot of energy on keeping their feelings.

Because you suddenly experience a seriousness in your life as a result of death, which is different from your companions, you are challenged not to resemble his companions, and it is even more vulnerable to puberty, where it just seems to be very important to look like his companions. Some teenagers withdraw from their peers, as they now feel very immature, and tend to isolate themselves. It is also not unusual with thoughts of suicide because you want to be reunited with the dead parent, even though the young person does not really intend to implement it. Here it is important that you show the young person that such feelings are quite normal.

Young people express their sorrow in a way that can be difficult to understand for adults. For example, some play high music or spend extra time with their companions. If there have been many conflicts with the parents, death can cause memories that give guilt. It is very common for young people to blame themselves for not telling the deceased how much they loved him or her. In addition, it can be difficult to concentrate in school. Perhaps you do not have to do homework for a while, because you find it hard to see the idea of ??doing homework when you think that you should still die.

The youngest teenagers will go much in and out of sorrow and take a long time to digest it. They may often need adults to digest their feelings by telling about normal reactions like anger, sadness and sadness, which can bring peace to the young and lead to more common activities with peers.

The oldest teenagers are often very oriented towards the future, but can be uncertain whether it can be realized when the deceased parent is missing. It is important to talk with the young people about future plans and support the realization opportunities despite the loss.

It is important that adults around the mourning youngsters stick to the general rules and limits. Sometimes you may think that the mourning young people are so hard that they need a little longer line, but just like the kids need rules and routines in the time after the loss, they also have it. It may be important to help the young person to make agreements at school, that tasks can be postponed and adjusted to the level that the young person can cope with, as the concentration is often severe in the months following a death.

- Even if the teenager rejects you or is closed when you want to talk to him about how it goes, it's important that you keep on looking out. Ask for everyday life, the young's thoughts and feelings, including not least missing, says Preben Engelbrekt.

For the teenagers it may be particularly difficult when the remaining parent gets a new boyfriend. It's important to allow it to take much longer for the teenager to be able to close a new adult than is the case for the remaining parent.

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General advice for relatives of children and adolescents:

The first time after the death

Both the institution and the school should be informed of the death, so that the child or the young can get the extra care needed. Educators and teachers can thus help the child or the youth to express thoughts and feelings about death by talking about it. At the same time, the institution and the school can keep an eye on whether the child or the young changes behavior and needs psychological assistance. See also the article Should the child or the youth have psychological assistance?.

It is important to see the deceased before the resignation because it helps make it unreal a little more real. It is already difficult for children and young people to understand that they will never see their father or mother again, so it helps your grief process to see the deceased.

"It would be good for children and young people to first prepare them for how the deceased looks and to go with them in there. Some will not see the dead, so talk to them about what they may be afraid of, and explain to them that it is the last time they have the opportunity to see their mother or father. Talk to them about their horror fantasies. Most people would like to come in when talking about it. The few who do not want should not push.Children of all ages can participate in the bailout, but there are no reasons that very young children under 2 years see the deceased parent, because they may scare them, says Preben Engelbrekt.

It is a good idea to involve the child or the young in the preparation of the bishop, by helping them choose chests and songs. Children up to school age may need to have one of their drawings included in the coffin. It is important for all ages that it is important to participate in the banquet because it helps to make it more understandable that you never see the dead parent again. When the child is up to about 12 years, it thinks very concrete and can not understand the long-term consequences of the death, so according to Preben Engelbrekt, it is extra important to participate in the resignation.

- Before the self-determination, you can, as a parent, prepare your child for what is going to happen in the church and explain that people will be sad. For example, you may say to the child that you will also be sad and that the child will also sit next to, for example, his aunt, who is safe and who can take care of it if you like The surviving parent is very sad. It is important that both children and young people are made as safe as possible by obtaining information about the retirement, says Preben Engelbrekt.

The time after the resignation

As relatives, you help children and young people by talking about the dead and focusing on all the good memories together. It is crucial that you talk about the deceased as well as the grief that children and young people can get well through the grief process.

When it comes to the 3-10 year old, they find it difficult to express their feelings. Lack and longing is hard to say, because it is too painful for them, so help them to express their feelings, Preben Engelbrecht's advice. Often it's a good idea to make the child draw his feelings.

"Children and young people often need to know how the surviving parent has it. One must remember that, as an adult, the child's role model, and if you do not show emotions or only show them to a very limited extent, the child will also react to inhibit his feelings, and it is not beneficial, says Preben Engelbrekt.

If you notice that the child or the young over time changes behavior by isolating from his comrades and suddenly is very home, talk about it. Especially boys can be more aggressive and have more conflicts with the other children. It may be that they need to be in control of something because they have not been able to control that the parent died. Expressed aggressions can also wreak havoc upon the unrighteous in that the parent died, which you can not cope with the dead or the remaining parent, which you may also risk losing. Therefore, it goes beyond the comrades. So have attention to the child by talking about it and how the child has it.

Make sure to get back to a weekday that reminds you of the habit of the hobbies and play deals that the child or the young usually has. Also give breaks from grief - let the child or the young understand that it is perfectly okay to be sad and to be happy.

For about 15 percent of the children and adolescents who have lost a parent, the surviving parent can not provide enough care because he is overweight.

"It is very overlooked that there may be maladministration in relation to children and adolescents in the event of death. Here it is very important that you, like relatives, step in and relieve the surviving parent by taking care of the child or the young by, for example, doing something together, says Preben Engelbrekt.

Facts

  • According to Statistics Denmark 2011, approximately 2,500 children and adolescents up to 19 years lose one or both parents. In total, approx. 17,000 children and adolescents in Denmark up to 19 years lost one or both parents.

  • Read more about sadness in the book 'To understand the sadness' of Jesper Roesgaard Mogensen and Preben Engelbrekt (publishing community literature).

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Read more about YOUNG, CHILDREN, CARE AND KRISE

  • Crisis and grief reaction

  • Deaths - How should the children be involved?

  • Should the child or the child have psychological assistance?

  • SEE OVERVIEW OF ALL ARTICLES ON CARE AND KRISE
How can you help the child or the young in sorrow

FAQ - 💬

❓ How do you help a young grieving person?

👉 How can I support my child?

  1. Encourage your child to find ways of expressing their feelings. ...
  2. Support your child to say goodbye. ...
  3. Talk with them about other ways they can celebrate the person. ...
  4. Spend quality time with your child doing things they enjoy. ...
  5. Encourage them to keep doing their activities and hobbies.

❓ How do you comfort a lost child?

👉 Steps for Comforting a Loved One Who Lost a Child

  1. Be present and available.
  2. Offer open-ended help and support.
  3. Give them room to talk about their loss.
  4. Offer practical help around the house.
  5. Understand the depths of their loss.
  6. Ask what happened.
  7. Stay in the moment.
  8. Make a note of important dates.

❓ What do you say to someone who lost their young child?

👉 The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief

  • I am so sorry for your loss.
  • I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
  • I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
  • You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
  • My favorite memory of your loved one is…

❓ How do I help my grieving teenager?

👉 How to Help a Grieving Teenager

  1. Grieving teenagers still want to be “normal.” Adolescence is a time when most teens just want to fit in. ...
  2. Friends are important. ...
  3. Let a grieving teenager take the lead. ...
  4. Be careful with your language. ...
  5. Give them something to do. ...
  6. Be honest. ...
  7. Get help if needed (or asked for).

❓ How can I help my 5 year old who is grieving?

👉 It's important to help your child express their feelings. There are lots of books on death for kids. Reading books and telling stories or looking at pictures of the person who died can help kids express their feelings. Also, expressing your own sadness lets kids know it's okay to be sad.

❓ How do you help a child grieve the loss of a grandparent?

👉 Share memories, draw pictures, and discuss some of the things you miss about them with your child. Some children find comfort in the days following a death by looking at or even carrying around pictures of the loved one. A special toy or memento associated with the deceased can also be comforting.

❓ What are some words of comfort?

👉 The Right Words of Comfort for Someone Grieving

  • I'm sorry.
  • I care about you.
  • He/she will be dearly missed.
  • He/she is in my thoughts and prayers.
  • You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
  • You are important to me.
  • My condolences.
  • I hope you find some peace today.

❓ What does the Bible say about comforting someone who lost a child?

👉 Bible Verses About Grieving The Loss Of A Child

  1. Revelation 21:4. 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. ...
  2. Philippians 2:20. I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare.
  3. Matthew 19:14. ...
  4. Matthew 18:14. ...
  5. John 14:27. ...
  6. Luke 18:15-17.

❓ How do I help a friend who is grieving?

👉 If you can't think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug. Offer your support. Ask what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just be there to hang out with or as a shoulder to cry on.

❓ How do children handle grief?

👉 Children and teenagers express their grief in a variety of ways. Some may be sad and verbalize the loss like many adults. Depending on their ages, however, they may show sadness only sometimes and for short periods. Children may complain of physical discomfort, such as stomachaches or headaches.

❓ How teachers can help grieving students?

👉 Listen, acknowledge feelings, and be nonjudgmental. Express your own feelings in an open, calm, and appropriate way that encourages students to share their feelings and grief. Avoid making assumptions and imposing your own beliefs on students. A variety of feelings are normal.

❓ How can I Help my Wounded Child heal?

👉 Whenever you need to, you can sit and breathe with the child. “Breathing in, I go back to my wounded child; breathing out, I take good care of my wounded child.” You have to talk to your child several times a day. Only then can healing take place.

❓ How do you deal with a child who has been hurt?

👉 At that moment, instead of paying attention to whatever is in front of you, go back and tenderly embrace the wounded child. You can talk directly to the child with the language of love, saying, “In the past, I left you alone.

❓ How can I support my child’s self-esteem?

👉 having private conversations with children, asking if they are OK, being a good listener, letting children talk, and providing reassurance arranging one-on-one time with a teacher aide to provide emotional support or to help them settle into the day creating a safe, friendly environment where children feel free to talk

❓ How can I Help my Child’s grief?

👉 When the child shares sadness, anger, guilt, or shame, whether verbally or physically, don’t ask that those feelings be postponed, denied, or concealed. Stifling grief requires precious energy better used to deal with all the changes accompanying loss; moreover, grief driven underground can return months or even years later to haunt the child.


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