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I'm not able to be close to my boyfriend


Dear Birgitte

I have lived with my girlfriend for the past five years. For the past 1? years we have not had sex with each other because I simply are not able to have her close to me. It feels like a physical barrier I can not overcome. When I'm alone and sitting and thinking about what I want, I always come to the same conclusion that I'll never be able to be with a girl I love more than her I'm together with. If I love her, I can hardly answer because I feel my heart completely isolated and protected from everything from the outside.

In my previous relationship, which lasted two years, it happened the same after the first year. I was unable to be close to her and it broke down after a very hard time. So last week, my current boyfriend came to me with an article from Everything For The Ladies. There was described a phenomenon called proximity anxiety - as I read the article, I was faced with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat. It said that it most often affects people who have been emotionally failed at an early age. Now I do not know how much I'm going to write, but at least I can tell that I was taken by my mother as a little kid-she took me to her mother and father, ie. my biological grandmother and grandfather. I have grown up there and have always been good and always showed that it was so. I have never shown who my father was when my mother only knew him before I was born. About five years ago, I finally got together to ask my mother who my father was and she told me what he was called. Then, three years later, I had to get together to write to him. I never got an answer, so three months ago I called him and was told that he is not really my biological father, he has the word of the court!

Well, that's a side note. Can you take my head and tail in all that I have written? My question is, of course, what should I do in your opinion? I do not have a desire to leave my girlfriend, but on the other hand, I do not have any really deep feelings for her, at least not something I can feel.

Thanks in advance



Dear Karsten.

It was so good that you read the article became aware that you are suffering from 'proximity anxiety' because, once you realize it, it is easier for you to find the way forward. You have experienced as little to be emotionally let down and it is therefore important to you that you as an adult restore your confidence that you can have a close emotional relationship where you can count on another person.

It sounds like i can count on your boyfriend, because your relationship has lasted five years, and since you care about her, I definitely think you should work on getting closer to your boyfriend. I assume that she knows your situation so that you can plan how

You can get closer to each other. Of course this does not happen from one day to the next, but you can start agreeing that you are a couple of times a week without sex but

slowly learn each other's bodies to know through gentle massage and touch in places that you can accept. It's about making yourself confident that your boyfriend can touch you in some places, at the beginning you are both wearing clothes. It may take months and when you feel ready you can touch

each other without clothes but still without sex. It is important that you listen to your own feelings by being touched and also that you will get to know your loved one's body. Perhaps you should play some music while you both like it and make sure you can be undisturbed in good surroundings. You should not feel pressured to have sex with your boyfriend, so maybe there should be many months in this way, but you have to give each other's time to give each other physical care. It could also be a good thing for you to go hiking in beautiful places where you both use all your senses to experience the nature and the contact between you, where you can talk about what you are experiencing. In addition, enjoy meals together, giving you time and effort to sense and taste good food so that you get a warm and positive atmosphere between you. Hopefully, if you have tried this for a long time, you will find a development in your sense of trust and I hope your boyfriend may have patience with you.

If this fails, you should seek out a good psychotherapist who can help you through your early trauma so that you can reconcile yourself with the early failure and put it behind you. It is past and must not destroy your life in the future.

Remember to live in the Now and be aware of your and your loved ones wishes and needs.And it's quite legal to say and also be alone when that's what you want most. You might be able to keep a diary about how you experience your contact with yourself and with your boyfriend.

Good luck with that!

Best regards from Birgitte

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