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I'm unhappy after my husband's infidelity

Questions:

Dear health-root,

I hope I can get help here. The problem is that my husband has been unfaithful - once, he says - and I can not move on. I first learned that after he had been to the doctor, he had been diagnosed with a disease and had antibiotics in that regard. Then I should also have a cure because I probably also had a contamination and therefore he had to tell me that.

At that time, I was 2 weeks from childbirth (Child No. 2) and I was terribly sorry. But I almost decided that I would not leave him for that reason. I would soon give birth to our 2nd wish child...! He told us that it was several years ago (just after the birth of our eldest, 4 years) and that it only happened once and that he had been bitterly regretted ever since. At the same time, he has since been afraid that if I was told I would leave him so he consciously chose that I would never know. Also because he was afraid to lose contact with our children. We talked and cried a lot at the time.

Now it's been 1 year and we're still together. My husband behaves like always, as if everything is good and nice. But I really feel I'm bad about the whole situation. I feel a little that our marriage / relationship in recent years has been one big lie, which I have been naive / stupid enough to believe was perfect. That was not it...! I feel that I may not know him at all (we have been together for 10 years). I do not know who he was unfaithful of, whether he was known / unknown, or perhaps a prostitute - yes, it all runs around my head. Was it one he worked with?

I told him that I did not want to know anything at that time, but I'm now wondering if it's "easier" to get through this if I know more precisely what happened. I have not spoken to anyone about this because I do not want to put him in bad light. We now have 2 wish children who occupy my entire time as he is very distant and when he is home there is as much as he should have done so there is not much time for me. I have learned to live with that. Outside, we probably have a perfect life. Man, wife, children, house, car, work etc. But I just think I'm locked in the situation is not really fond of anything and I'm sure if there were not children in our relationship at that time Then I was quietly walking out the front door without looking back. But at the same time I'm glad we still keep together. I really love him and the kids love him too, and he me and them.

I do not know what to do and how to move on. Should I ask him about "details" or is it better for me / us that it remains untrue when we both want to continue life together? For that I wish, but I also want to be a happy wife and mother. I'm sad, angry, feel stuck, discarded and exploited. I just wish that it was possible to wipe the board clean.

Yours sincerely

The despaired

Reply:

Dear "despaired"

I affirm that you express your love for your husband and have already made a decision to continue your marriage with him so you will hold on.

But you need a change in your relationship so that you can see that your husband's single "mistake" can give you the opportunity to speak properly about your relationship and the whole family situation. You do not feel happy in the relationship, and this feeling has been provoked by your husband's "mistreatment" but for profound reasons, so it's the ones you need to figure out and talk about. You have two smaller children and your husband is a part from home so you have a great responsibility for the family to work and as I hear you, you need more support and support from your husband, which is quite reasonable after my opinion.

It may be difficult for you to talk to your husband about the "mistake", but since it fills so much in your world and prevents you feeling comfortable and happy in relation to your husband, that would be good for you to get a few things clarified. You must choose a fun time to talk together, and you must have a few simple questions prepared beforehand, telling you that it will make you more confident in your relationship with him knowing how he has behaved say the sexually transmitted disease. It is very important that the purpose of this conversation is to create a better relationship between you and not to elaborate and to detail what your husband has done. He is himself vulnerable and sorry for what he has done, so it should not be "warned" in it.

On the other hand, you should give your time to talk about your roles in the family and what changes in the relationship you could wish for.You must make sure you have time for your adult relationships, so that everything is not just about your children and practical things. Talk about your common interests and what visions and future plans you have for both and for the family as a whole - look forward instead of focusing too much on what has happened in the past. "Sket has happened" and what has happened is to learn so that you can use your experience to make some necessary changes.

If such conversations are too hard to do alone, I can advise you to talk with a therapist who can lead you through emotional stressful conversations, because it is very important that you speak well and carefully about your relationship with a view to an open and safe relationship in the future.

Love

Birgitte Winkel

Relationship therapist.


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