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Life as a spouse to one with borderline

Everyday can be demanding and frustrating for Anders Stengaard, because he never knows what mood his wife is in when he returns home from work. Anders is married to Henriette who has borderline. Together with their three children, for many years, he has ensured that the home is working.

When Henriette is sad, she is brushing her and when she's happy she's almost manic. She has been very impulsive at times, but has become better at managing herself because she gradually knows herself well.

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Henriette Stengaard Nielsen has a personality disorder. She has borderline and swings vigorously in her mood. She often finds it difficult to review everyday practical tasks such as laundry, buy in, make dinner or clean the house. When she has her bad periods, everything seems unimaginable and she completely closes to the outside world. She does not want to talk to anyone, but isolates herself from the family and others by reading or watching television all day.

Henriette is aggressive, ie she does not express her violent feelings to others in the form of rage attacks, as many younger women with borderline otherwise do. Henriette herself believes that it is because she is from a generation that is instructed to behave nicely at all times and hide her anger. But inside Henriette, so violent emotions rage that she has to isolate herself to control her emotional chaos until she can again use her common sense. In the bad times Henriette is very self-destructive in his thoughts and has repeatedly thought of commit suicide. When Henriette was in the early 20's, she actually tried to commit suicide.

A few years ago, she tore all the books out of a four-section bookshelf to make the shelf clean, but went cold in the project, and the books were allowed to float several weeks in the living room before she got together to fix the shelf. If she suddenly gets a sudden shot, like painting the living room, she has learned to call her husband to hear if he also thinks it's a good idea. Perhaps he suggests that she paints one wall at a time instead of the whole living room at one time, and then Henriette forces herself to just paint one wall or drop the project.

Before diagnosis

Anders Stengaard of 56 years has lived with Henriette for 22 years. They have got two children together, who are now 19 and 20 years old, and so Anders has adopted Henriette's son from a previous relationship. He is today 23 years old. It is demanding for Anders to be married to Henriette, who was diagnosed with borderline in 2002.

When Anders learned to know Henriette, she had previously been hospitalized at various psychiatric departments and went to a psychologist without anyone finding out what was wrong. Anders was well aware that Henriette had psychiatric problems when he fell in love with her because she had told him about it. The first time Anders experienced Henriette's violent mood swings was already within the first year after he learned to know her. On a vacation they held together with the oldest child, she closed them mentally, so they had to take care of the whole holiday.

"Before Henriette was diagnosed with borderline, I was able to wonder about her mood swings and try to figure out what could have done her in a bad mood. In all our cohabitation, Henriette has had bad periods when she has isolated herself so I learned to perceive it as a living condition. The children and I have always been used to let Henriette be in peace so she can get calm when she's ill. The days she closes and refuses to talk with us, the children are in their rooms and I'm either in the bedroom if Henriette is watching tv in the living room, or I'm in the living room if she is in the bedroom, "says Anders.

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Hard to plan

It can be frustrating not to be able to talk with their spouse when there are decisions regarding homes and children to be taken. But Anders knows by experience that he may as well give up trying to make Henriette decide on anything when she is in a mood of humor.

"She does not get angry outbreaks and we have no more conflicts than what I think others have. She is not, at the same time, wiping out a word. We never know when she's suddenly. Maybe we've just agreed something we have to do together and suddenly she can not overlook it an hour later. It can be very frustrating and it's not always that I can only let her be, but I try as well as I can ", says Anders.

After diagnosis

Henriette is an educated school teacher and has had various full-time jobs, including management jobs. But she has had problems with overwork and stress because she has had difficulty saying. In the last jobs she has had, she has been so sick that her municipal caseworker sent her to work trial. Here she broke her together and was admitted to a psychiatric department. This was where she got the borderline diagnosis.

In the nine years since Henriette was diagnosed, she has not worked and is now an early retirement. When she was retired, she was so upset that she wanted to drive her car into opposite traffic when she drove a car. The thought became so obscure that at one point she closed her eyes when a large truck approached her in the opposite track. After this experience, she let her in and got help from her suicidal thoughts.

Shortly after Henriette was told that she was suffering from borderline, she took the initiative to set up the Borderline Association (// /nofollow) because she thought there is insufficient knowledge about the disorder and would like to help others same situation. For Anders, it has not made the big difference that she has been diagnosed. However, life has become easier in some areas.

"Henriette has got a contact support person who comes and talks with her and walks with her every week and we have been given a cleaning aid. Although Henriette still has her bad periods and is struggling to overcome everyday activities, she has become easier to deal with, because she can now deal with things in a different way than before. She has had antidepressant medicine, which means she does not take it all that much longer. She does not sleep well at night because she does not do in her bad times, but she has got a little more peace on her negative thoughts, "says Anders.

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Important to speak openly

Anders never knows when Henriette has his bad periods, and so he is used to calling home from his job every day to hear how she has it.

"I've always been very open to my job about how we're at home, so if Henriette tells me on the phone that she can not look anymore anymore, then I drive home to help her with the practical or just to take care of her. As I take care of her, she walks down. My boss and colleagues have an understanding of my situation, and they can also understand that I've been out more days than others, "says Anders, who has had the same job as an employment consultant for many years.

The friends also know how Henriette has it, and it has not scared them away that she has borderline. The same goes for the children's comrades. Ever since they were small, they have told comrades about their mother and taken into account when they have had comrades with their home during her bad periods. The youngest girl has recently held lectures in her class about borderline and has only experienced a positive response.

"From the very beginning, our cohabitation has accepted that Henriette is as she is and I think it is important to live with someone who has borderline. In addition, I think it is very important to speak openly about the challenges that are living with someone who has borderline. It is our strength that we are good at talking openly about it, both with each other and with our family, friends and especially at my work. The whole becomes a bit easier when you meet understanding and get support, "says Anders.

Anders' afford to other relatives

  • There is no universal key for how to handle the one who has borderline, but in general it is important that you can read the person so that you can take into account.

  • It's important to be positive and support the one who has borderline, although it can be demanding when you do not always have a profit. Never say that with the borderline you have to get together, because he / she can not.

  • Keep in mind that it's not ashamed to have borderline.
  • Be very open about the personality disorder to family, friends and work, so that the surroundings can show understanding of your situation.
Life as a spouse to one with borderline

FAQ - 💬

❓ Can a marriage survive borderline personality disorder?

👉 By an average age of about 40, the divorce rate for people with BPD is around 35%, and this is comparable to the divorce rate for the average U.S. citizen. However, people with BPD are far less likely to remarry after a divorce.

❓ Can someone with BPD have a healthy marriage?

👉 People with BPD are good and compassionate, and they can have healthy relationships. It takes work, and lifelong challenges will remain. Therapists and doctors can work with you or your partner to develop a treatment plan.

❓ What is it like to be married to someone with BPD?

👉 Living with someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) can feel confusing and cause anxiety in your relationship. It often leads to rifts in personal relationships and even poses problems in maintaining employment, which can lead to further turbulence due to financial woes.

❓ Can you have a successful relationship with a borderline?

👉 Despite its many challenges, the prognosis for BPD is good. This means that while most people with BPD do experience residual symptoms even after time and treatment, in the long term, recovery and healthy relationships are possible.

❓ How long does the average BPD relationship last?

👉 Results found in a 2014 study found the average length of a BPD relationship between those who either married or living together as partners was 7.3 years. However, there are cases where couples can stay together for 20+ years.

❓ Should I leave my partner with BPD?

👉 Enable the person with BPD by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. If your loved one won't respect your boundaries and continues to make you feel unsafe, then you may need to leave. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but your self-care should always take priority.

❓ How long does a BPD marriage last?

👉 Results found in a 2014 study found the average length of a BPD relationship between those who either married or living together as partners was 7.3 years. However, there are cases where couples can stay together for 20+ years.

❓ Is relationship with BPD toxic?

👉 Codependency in a relationship usually occurs when one of the partners has a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If your partner has either one of these personality disorders, you might find yourself stuck in a toxic codependent relationship.

❓ Can someone with BPD be faithful?

👉 We're loyal partners and friends Though there's often an assumption that we have unstable relationships – and in fact this is listed as one of the main symptoms of BPD – we are extremely loyal. As mentioned above, we tend to put ourselves last.

❓ What kind of partner is best for BPD?

👉 For someone with BPD, the favorite person is deemed the most important person in their life. This person can be anyone, but it's often a romantic partner, family member, good friend, or another supportive person (like a coach, therapist, or teacher).

❓ Why do borderlines hurt the ones they love?

👉 Often, the borderline person is unaware of how they feel when their feelings surface, so they displace their feelings onto others as causing them. They may not realise that their feelings belong within them, so they think that their partner is responsible for hurting them and causing them to feel this way.

❓ How to live with a spouse with borderline personality disorder?

👉 The challenges of living with a spouse having a borderline personality disorder Having a constant negative self-image, engaging in self-harming behavior, making risky or impulsive choices, and a plethora of mood swings or intense emotion – mix it all together and you have a perfect recipe for a tumultuous and disastrous relationship.

❓ How does borderline personality disorder (BPD) affect relationships?

👉 Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) suffer from unstable emotions and relationships. If your spouse suffers from significant symptoms of this disorder, you are most likely affected on a daily basis.

❓ Should I Leave my borderline personality disorder?

👉 The decision to leave the BP physically is a personal decision and might be best made after leaving emotionally. It’s also important to note the difference between those with borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.

❓ What is the rate of remarriage for people with borderline personality disorder?

👉 In fact, only about 10% of people with BPD get remarried by around age 40 which is nearly half the national rate of remarriage.


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